If you ever think to find me
Try your past writings
the ones written when you fell in love
and thought you’d never recovered
Try your recent writings
the ones written when you lost her
Probably I’m there
Probably I’m on your future writings
still waiting to be written
Probably I’m not there
and I’ve never been
and never will
Probably I’m on the texts you were about to send
but eventually discarded
I know now I’m only 28 and probably I’ll regret what I wrote today more than what I did when I was 14 (or even worse, 21!) Well, but I wrote it anyway, just in case later you want to understand what growing up and moving on was like, from my point of view.
Okay, let’s start with music. I stopped giving mixtape and accepting one. Practically because I’m married and basically I listen to what he listens to and of course I’m too old to try liking new music. Nowadays, it’s either I fall for a song from the first 10 seconds listening, or not at all. Besides, giving a second chance isn’t my forte.
Then, um, well. Now, I think I’m too old to do something because everyone is doing it, or not do it because everyone is doing it. I’m too old to care about what people think about what I do. It’s a good thing from being late 20s, though, in my opinion.
Now, the bad news. Now, I’m too old to hate everyone. I have to deal with people and attend neighborhood gathering (because I have to get an update about the increase of housing complex general facility service fee or other things like that) and soon I have to come to parents’ meeting at school or something like that and a couple of decades from now I’ll possibly be so forgetful and needing help. So yeah, Mae, if you want to hate everyone, do it while you’re young; while people take it as something cute and hormonal.
Oh, I’ll probably create a mixtape for you. Just in case later you ask me what kind of songs I fell for only after 10 seconds. Now, let’s just call it a night.
After years of losing
I found you again
as the last light of the explosion
probably you’ve always been there
but I’ve never got blown apart