[APLFD] Traders of Life


Dear Maera,

 Aren’t we all traders? Each day, we trade a piece of our existing selves with what becomes memories. We trade, piece by piece, a home built by our family and childhood friends and little monsters on the backyard. A home built of fairy tales and laughter, hugs and prayers, day trips to the beach and zoo. My home; by my Ayah and Bunda and hours of commuting to the capital by bus. Yours; by us and the untold stories and letters that are never finished, never sent.

As we grow, our hearts go into tiny pieces by wanderlust, by books we keep rereading, by dreams we were taught. As we grow, we go. Often when we go too far for too long, we take too many memories with us. We capture La Giralda, it replaces our first sand castle helped by a favorite aunt. We stroll around London, and miss our fathers’ hometown less and less. We fall in love with strangers and out of love with another. We trade and trade and leave so little of what defines home.

Most of the time we just lose that little piece on our way home; we trade it on the airport or with the smell of the sea and its infinite possibility. We get all the boarding gates and seafloor we want, but no more home.

As we grow, we trade.


Sometimes, late in the afternoon while you took a nap and I was too tired to prepare the dinner, I sat still and questioned myself, “Did I trade too much when I was young?”






How can I stop you
to disappear, little
by little, a piece
went, then another
millions of
of smile
and silence





A postcard to Riga


London, September 10, 2014


Lately, I’ve been dreaming of myself standing still by a deep dark trench. Last night was the 6th time this month and I think that this might be a sign. In those dreams, I didn’t move any inch but the Earth plate seemed to be fast forwarded, as if Kami weren’t there anymore. It felt as if the whole world was collapsing down and, Riga, I was alone. Every time I woke up, I sweated and cried and it rained outside. I’ve never been this lonely.

I miss you.